The Ring was the movie that got me into horror. Ringu was the movie that got me into foreign cinema. The Ring cycle is one of my favorite series of books. I own all of the movies (including the more obscure Japanese sequels) and books, and I know pretty much everything there is to know about the series.
In short, it's kind of a big deal to me.
When I heard that Ring was being rebooted (based on new source material penned by the original author, no less,) I was terribly excited. I was certain that a Ring movie based on a new novel by Koji Suzuki would be excellent. The concept of 3D interested me as well. Most 3D I can take or leave, but I thought they'd be able to do some fun stuff with it in this movie.
One might say that I set myself up for disappoint, and yeah, I probably did; however, the word "disappointment" doesn't really convey my feelings for this movie. No, my feelings towards this movie are a bit more... vivid than that.
Betrayal. Disgust. Repulsion.
Absolute. Fucking. Hatred.
Before I start eviscerating this movie, I'll give you guys the basic premise of the movie. If any of the plot details are wrong, I blame shoddy subtitles, but I'm pretty certain I know all I need to know: Alright, there's this lady and her boyfriend. Lady, Akane, is a teacher. One day her students start talking about a "cursed video," and one of them soon dies afterwards. She has to track down the origin of the video because reasons.
This brings us to the antagonist of the film. Put on your helmets, this is about to get stupid.
So there's this guy, an internet artist. His name is Kashiwada, and he is the worst horror antagonist of all time. This guy, one day some people start trolling his site. This motivates him to not only kill himself, but record it and broadcast it on Nico Nico Douga. Oh, and also somehow embed this video with the curse of Sadako to bring death to anyone who views it.
The main antagonist of this movie is a guy who gets mad at the internet and decides to destroy the world.
Sadako 3D is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
Disappointment? No, my disgust with this movie goes beyond the fact that I'm disappointed. My seething hatred toward this movie is not merely due to the fact that it pissed all over the Ring canon and legacy; that may be a part of it, but no, it goes deeper. This movie isn't simply a disgrace to the Ring series - it is a disgrace to everything that horror is about. There is no atmosphere to be found. The story is painful and the characters are unengaging and flat. The scares are cheap and telegraphed.
The effects are among the worst I've ever seen. The effects in this movie are inexcusable; this is the biggest horror franchise in Asia, and they couldn't get enough of a budget to get effects that look better than an Asylum film? I swear on Suzuki's original novel that I'm not exaggerating. The CGI in this movie honestly looks like something The Asylum studio would have done in a weekend. This is due largely in part to the 3D effects. It's very obvious that the movie wasn't shot in 3D. No practical effects jump out at you. The only thing in this movie that exploits the 3D is the lazily-inserted CGI. Most of the 3D in this movie are random CGI moths flying around, Sadako's hair, and Sadako's hand coming out of screens. The 3D is a totally out-of-place gimmick, and looked nothing short of farcical when viewed in 2D.
What's most effective in J-horror is the atmosphere. These movies aren't supposed to be your typical "jump scare" affair. Some jump scares, sure, but mostly depending on atmosphere to creep the viewer out and make them paranoid. There is nothing "creepy" about Sadako 3D. All the scares are cheap jump scares of Sadako popping out and saying "boo," almost infallibly aided by the 3D. It's not scary, it's stupid.
The leads in this film are flat-out uninteresting. Akane and her boyfriend, Takanori Ando (the mere fact that he is in this movie absolutely blows the Ring canon apart by the way, but that's a story for another time,) are looking for the cursed video for some reason that escapes me. I don't know anything about these characters because development is entirely absent, but they're the ones we follow and eventually Takanori gets kidnapped by Sadako's hair, and Akane has to save him while he's trapped in an iPhone. She has to do that by accepting Sadako into herself because they're "the same" and the only way for Sadako's wrath to be stopped is by finding a "vessel."
This movie's stupid.
Oh, but it gets worse. There's a reason why Sadako needs Akane specifically. You see, Akane has supernatural powers. By that, I mean that she is able to scream and make glass shatter (because 3D HURR HURR) and I guess this wards off evil or something. I don't know, it doesn't make a single iota of sense. So Akane is saving people by screaming when Sadako's coming out of screens and killing them. Because she shatters the screens. Anyhow, since she and Sadako both have supernatural powers, even though the powers aren't alike in nature at all, Akane is the only one who can be used as a vessel for Sadako.
Spoilers ahead. Then the movie ends with Akane accepting Sadako and... Everything goes back to normal. Without any consequence. Seriously. I guess Sadako just wanted to be carried around in Akane's pocket for all of eternity. Whatever, it's not like the rest of the movie made sense.
Other characters? There's this one really unlikable greasy looking guy with curly hair who I guess ends up being evil? He shows up near the movie's last act out of nowhere and says some creepy things to Akane and hangs himself. So I guess he was supposed to be evil. Then there's seasoned by-the-books too-old-for-this-shit detective and his young maverick partner. They provide some of the best laughs in the movie despite being useless in the end, so I suppose that makes them the best characters.
You know how the scary, foreboding thing in Ringu was TV static? Yeah, well, in this movie, 404 Errors are our new monster.
This movie tries to make 404 Errors scary.
Moving on.
Though Kashiwada and the 404 Error are terrible antagonists, this movie's Sadako is downright insulting. First off, though I already know the answer, where did Sadako come from? Yes, that's a well-known fact in the Ring canon, but there is no way that this movie is a part of the same canon as the other movies. There's no logical explanation for why she's there or how Kashiwada even knows who Sadako is. Sadako has no character in this movie. She's just looking for a vessel. I don't know why. Everything that made Sadako scary in previous movies is gone. Sadako as a presence was terrifying in the other movies. Instead of that horrifying presence, this Sadako pulls people into TV's with her hair. No more eerily emerging from a TV and unveiling her gruesome figure. Oh and then there's roughly a thousand "failed"(?) Sadakos who turn into grasshoppers.
I promise, I couldn't make this up. The climax of the movie is Akane getting chased by hundreds of Sadako grasshopers. Whom she defeats by screaming. She's running for her life for probably a good ten or fifteen minutes, and she could have cut through all that just by screaming.
This whole movie could have been avoided if she just kept screaming.
What else can I even say? The acting's awful, the directing sucks, the cinematography is unremarkable, the plot is shamefully bad, the scares aren't scary, the music isn't good, and it offends every atom of my being. It's unintelligent and it talks down to its audience with a cheap 3D gimmick. Similar to a baby and car keys, this movie thinks that because it can dangle pretty 3D effects in front of an audience, they'll cheer. Too bad the effects that this movie hinges so desperately on are atrocious. Take away that one gimmick, and you're left with an insultingly vapid film that stains the horror genre.
No, not just the horror genre. This movie is a stain on everything that is filmmaking.
Fuck this movie.
I can't think of a movie that has made me angrier than this. When describing bad movies, it's easy to fall into hyperbole. However, I say without any hint of exaggeration that this is the worst movie I've ever seen.
The US Blu-Ray advertises this as "The Terrifying Conclusion."
Not only is it far from terrifying, but this "conclusion" has a sequel projected to come out this August.
God help us.
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